Everything changes...

There's part of me that hopes you don't actually follow the link, don't come to this page, don't read any of it. I know that seems silly, seeing as how I sent you the url... But I know if you do show up and you read this, you probably won't like it. Because it's raw, and honest, and baring... and you seem to prefer these days to hide in the shadows and pretend.

I know that if you really wanted this part of your life to be over, to end, to go away - you wouldn't still be willingly subjugating yourself under her thumb every day. I know that the reason you're so miserable is because you know you are making the worst possible decisions. You know that you are prolonging and drawing out your own suffering, rather than just walking away once and for all. I know, because I've been there. And I did walk away. When I realized how toxic and terrible and totally not about me all the chaos and drama and horribleness was, I walked away. And it was so hard, and miserable, and demoralizing. But that girl, that girl who I saw when I was with him, that wasn't me. It was a caricature of my fears, my insecurities, my anxieties, my self-doubts... but it wasn't ME. And it was so hard to walk away, but I have never ever regretted it. It was so hard, for so long, and it took a long time to be able to let go. But I realized that those fears and anxieties and insecurities - although they may be a part of me - they do not define me. And I had to stop running from them; I had to sit with them, face them, feel the weight of them, before I could really let them go and move on into love and acceptance and joy and hope and beauty and confidence.

And if you want to close that chapter and move on, you will. Nothing could stop you, if that's what you wanted. So the fact that you're still there means it is your decision to be there. So maybe instead of talking about wanting it to be over, wanting it to go away, you should spend some time thinking about why it is that you can't let go, that you won't push off the chains and walk away.

I don't know if you really love me. I know you think you do. I know you want to. But I wonder if you just love the idea of me - the love, acceptance, encouragement, hope, happiness, peace, security... And those are all part of me, but they are not all of me. Do you really love me? Do you really want me? How can you be sure, when you can't even answer the question, "What do you really want?"

It is a strange thing to be so attached, so connected, so invested in someone, and yet at the same time know that at any minute you may need to let them go. It's scary and unnerving and unexplainable, but it's also perfect and simple and refreshing.... I can see a future so intimately intertwined with you, and yet, I also know that if I need to, I will have to walk away and carry on without you.

I know that you are simultaneously terrified and enamored of me. I know that the ghosts of your shadow nature revile at my honesty. And I know the angels of your soul desire to hold me close and never let me go...

And so the question remains - what do you really want? Do you want to be ruled by your fears, your anxieties, your guilt, your insecurities? Do you want to continue to give the wheel of your life over to someone who will recklessly drive it into any wall, depending on her fancy? Do you want to exist in the chaos, the anxiety, the guilt, the fear, the self-loathing? Do you want to stay suffocating in the pile of shit, just because it is familiar and you think it relieves you of responsibility and acceptance and action?

Or do you want more? You have felt the weightlessness of unburdened happiness... do you want to find your way back to that space? Do you remember what it felt like to steer your own ship? Do you want to try your hand at navigating your own life again? Do you remember how much easier it was to breathe when you weren't spending so much time wallowing in your sadness? Do you want to find that fresh air and breathe deeply of it again?

Everything changes. "Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix." From the ashes, you can be reborn, if you choose to not let this fire be the end of you. It is all in your hands, it always has been. Yes, you are in this shitty situation because of your own cowardly, selfish decisions. Yes, you have brought this shit storm upon yourself and those around you. Yes, you are making 'deals with the devil' and repeatedly climbing back into the same pile of shit. This is all true. But it's not the whole story. And you can sit here and feel sorry for yourself and whine about how shitty it is. Or you can step back, take in a bigger perspective, accept what is and why it is, and decide where it is you want to go from here. Because you don't have to stay here. You don't have to keep beating the same dead horse. You don't have to keep going to confession over and over and over for the same discretion. You are as free or as caged as you want to be. So if you say you want to be free, but you refuse to climb out of the open jail cell, maybe you need to ask yourself what it is that you really want? Maybe you need to spend a moment looking inward, honestly, and being open to accepting whatever it is you find there. Because this is it. This is your life. What do you want to do with it? What do you want to accomplish? To leave behind? to affect?  to experience?

I confessed to you the other night that it is difficult for me to trust you, and how horrible that makes me feel. You accept it, as if you deserve it. You probably use that as ammunition in your inner monologue to convince yourself that you don't deserve me and that you should keep pushing me away. I can't make you believe or feel anything. I can only be open and honest and real and raw with you... you have to make your own decisions and come to your own conclusions and then act on those convictions. And I don't know where your head's at, I don't know what you want, and I don't know if I am a priority for you. But none of that matters - I am completely free because I have nothing to hide. I have laid it all out, and may continue to do so, and I have no strings, no attachment to any outcome, no expectations of what tomorrow or even the next minute may bring. Is it scary? Yes. But it is also liberating and peaceful... What do I have to be afraid of? I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Life is short, and difficult, and complicated and painful.... but it's also amazing and magical and awe-inspiring and uplifting. There are no guarantees. But deciding to make the most of each moment as it passes, that is true freedom. Because all we have is this moment. All we can really be sure of is right now. So, right now, this moment, are you happy? If not, what the fuck are you doing? This is it. Carpe diem. It's all up to you. What do you really want?

make your own rules...

because you won't...

remember when we had it all?
when each moment was full of love, joy, and magic?
heart, soul, mind, body - totally content?
it was so sweet and beautiful and complete...
and now it's gone, but why?
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

you took me to the heights of heaven
and then down into the depths of hell
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

from giddy smiles and fits of joy at the spontaneous thought of you
to that aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

from the promises of all the things we would do in the future
to the emptiness of your absence in word and presence
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

from trust
to betrayal
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

from perfection
to destruction
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

from madly in love
to absent in apathy
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

from quiet nights in the warmth of each other's embrace, heartbeats and breaths in sync
to nights choked with tears, alone in the aching sense of loss, pain, betrayal, and isolation
because you won't let go of the past
and you won't be honest with yourself

we had it all
but now it's gone
because you won't...

one fine day...

Loving enough to let go...

What a strange week it has been... I can't believe you're still entangled with and daily communicating with your ex. I didn't see that one coming. It certainly does explain everything though... why you've seemed to go from hot to cold recently, why I feel sometimes that you want to keep me a secret from the rest of your life, and why I often feel now that I've no idea anymore where your head's at. Your head must be a mess! Just based on the nasty email she sent me on Halloween, I can't even imagine the things she must be saying to you and the crazy seeds she's trying to plant in your brain. For all your talk of how toxic she is and how horrible she was to and for you... I'm shocked to find out that after all this time you still haven't cut the cord.

I really like you, and I want us to work... but I don't want anything to do with her drama. You are clearly not over her or that relationship. I don't know what it is you're holding on to, because you always talk about it like it was such a black hole of time and energy, and you're so glad to be done with it. And yet, there she is, still involved in your everyday.

I want to be there for you and I want to support you in any way I can... but I don't want to put myself in the middle of this situation. And I don't want to create a scenario where her and I are pulling opposite sides of you like a wishbone. You need to deal with this by yourself. You need to make a decision and be ok with it because it's what YOU want. Just like after talking with you about this, I made a decision to step back and give you some space to figure out what you want and what you need to do to make it happen. It makes me sad, and I know that I may lose you... but I don't want to cling and grab and try to hold something that isn't there. I hope that I don't lose you or the magic that we have together, but I realize that I may. And that's ok, because that's life, and sometimes things fall apart. And it sucks because it hurts, but I'll let the waves of pain wash over me when they come - I'll feel them and shed my tears, and then float through to the other side where life goes on and there is more living and loving and learning for me to do. But I have peace and comfort in knowing that I followed my heart and I took a chance on life and love, and I went all in with you and realized that I can still love and be loved, and to heights and depths that I never even imagined possible.

I love you. I love you for loving me so purely and openly. I love you for cultivating between us an environment of comfort and freedom to be unapologetically me. I love you for your tender kisses, loving caresses, and adoring (hexing) gaze. I love you for your effortless ability to make me laugh. I love you for wanting to hold me all night and for peeking through squinted eyes to give me a smile in the morning. I love you for never judging me if I smoke or drink too much. I love you for your thoughtfulness in the little things - making me coffee in the morning, leaving me your parking spot, taking care of Space Ghost...

Love with you is simple and beautiful and magical and effortless - it's everything I could have ever hoped for, and perfect despite our own individual imperfections. Being with you is easy - sacred simplicity... Talking with you and baring my soul is soothing, comforting, and relieving. I've never felt so fearless being so honest with anyone, ever. We have something special. Regardless of what the future holds for us, this type of connection doesn't happen everyday. I am so sad that I might lose you, but so happy and at peace knowing that I took the opportunities to be with you and know you and love you when they were there. And because of that, I have no regrets. And I also have no fear of the pain. If it comes, I'll ride it out. I'll cry and feel it all. And then I'll wipe my tears, wish you the best, and take a new step and do my best to greet it all with a smile and a heart full of hope and gratitude and love.

It's a strange sensation to stare into the abyss of what might be and feel so peaceful and fearless... I can see nothing, and I've no idea what may happen next, but it's ok and I'm not anxious. I will be ok, and whatever happens will be new and exciting. I am not scared... and that's a HUGE deal, coming from me. And I'm so grateful for your part in helping me to face my fears and finally, suddenly, just let them go. How amazing it feels to be free of those chains that I had wrapped around myself for so long... And in the end now I see so clearly that I was the only one holding myself back all these years. It's been a long, slow road, but you unwittingly played a part in me coming out of that darkness. My spirit recognized in you a freedom and fearlessness that I wanted for myself. And your faith in me and encouragement and friendship and sincerity helped rouse those things within me. With the support of you (and numerous other friends), I found my strength and my courage again. And the more I opened up to the possibilities of the world around me, the more the world opened up to me.

I've gone off on a bit of a tangent here, but the sentiment is that I'm grateful for the time I've had with you - being your lover these past few months has awakened me to parts of myself I didn't know still existed and possibilities I didn't imagine I was still capable of. Loving you has made me feel whole and complete and happy in ways I've never experienced before. And I'm so thankful for that.

I don't know exactly what it is that's holding you back; I hope that you can honestly and unapologetically identify it, face it, and then move past it. But I do know that you have to figure it out on your own. And as much as I may want to help you, I can only support you from afar with love and acceptance, and without judgement or expectations. You are so important to me, and I love you so purely and deeply. I want so much to see you whole and happy and unencumbered - whether it's with me or without me is of little consequence at this point, as long as you are happy and whole and free. I treasure the time we've had, and while I hope for more of that time, I send you with blessings and gratitude into the future, whatever that may be or hold or look like.

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly, and
without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."
- Leo Buscaglia

Taking a chance on love...

"There is no right side
     or wrong side
No misery in not being loved,
     only in not loving."

"With an open heart, we find magic everywhere"

"Nothing in the world is permanent, and we're foolish when we ask anything to last. But surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it."


The last few months have been a whirlwind! I could never have imagined I'd be in the headspace I am in today - happily in love, content in the magical moments flowing past me in a constant stream, and facing unafraid both the promising possibilities of the future and the seemingly immortal ghosts of the past. Life is GOOD, and I am so fortunate, so thankful, so grateful for ALL that is happening in and around me. This summer brought about so much transformation in such a short time... it's dizzying to think about it! I have a new home, new friends, new love, new passions, new perspectives, new opportunities... There is magic all around me, in every moment. By facing my fears and pushing through them to take chances on life and love, I have discovered amazing new worlds that are ripe with possibilities. This is the life I've always wanted... Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, and there is so much more to learn, to grow, to experience, to fight, to love, to see, to hear, to feel... but I am happy, and that is no small thing. And not only am I happy, but I feel free and unfettered - I am no longer chained by my doubts and fears and insecurities. Sure, they are still there, and sometimes they pop up their ugly heads and give me a chill, but they do not have the wheel, nor are they navigating from the passenger seat. My heart is driving, with my soul co-piloting beside.

A few months ago, a friend posted a picture of tattoos - one arm had a brain in an ornate frame, with a scroll reading "Order" below it; the other arm had a heart in a similar frame, with a scroll reading "Chaos". I looked at these for a while, and realized that I felt exactly the opposite... when I follow my head - my logic and reasoning - things seem to get complicated and crazy and chaotic. But when I follow my heart - my gut, my intuition, my soul - things seem to flow smoothly, correctly, and just as they should be. I've spent much of my life trying to do the "right" thing - the logical, the reasonable, the prudent thing - but have often found myself in a mess of a situation that I don't want to be in... whether it be a job, a place, a living situation, or a relationship. Following the logical, reasonable, socially acceptable path doesn't seem to often work out for me. Rather, when I follow my heart, be it crazy chances, spontaneous decisions, or just pure unreasonable desires for magic - things seem to unfold as they should... everything works out in one way or another and I sit content at the other end, smiling and happy. This entire year is a perfect example: every step along the way has been criticized by the "logical" people in my life as being rash and unreasonable. I have not played it safe, but I have found everything I wanted by running head first into the void.

Most poignant in my mind is my new, blossoming, exciting love - every logical thing in me says its a bad idea... I'm not ready, I'm still broken, he's still broken, the possible complications are high, and many people would not approve. And yet we are both happier, more content, and more fulfilled than we can remember being in a long time. Our moments are magical, and I have a difficult time wiping the goofy grin off my face throughout the day. Is it smart? Should we wait for better timing? or better circumstances? Should we take more time to deal with our past entanglements? Should we just fight the connection and pretend like it doesn't exist or matter? Ugh, just thinking these things makes me sad... Life is too short to not do what makes you happy. It could all fall apart tomorrow, sure, but in the meantime, I am opening my heart and my life to the possibilities. And maybe instead of falling apart, it will be even more magical and amazing than I can even imagine right now... maybe instead of causing problems and complications, it will open new doors and opportunities. Maybe instead of imploding in a fiery blaze of regret, it will grow bigger and shinier and more amazing as time goes on. Maybe facing the fears and doing it anyway will turn out to be the best decision I could have made...

And even if its not, I am still so grateful and thankful and fortunate for the time that has already passed. I have learned beyond a doubt that I am still capable of love and honesty and openness and happiness with another soul. I know that I am strong enough to accomplish anything I need to or want to accomplish. I know that everything changes with time, and I have no way to control which direction those winds of change will blow... but I have peace in knowing that I am living honestly and openly in the present and consciously soaking up the magic in the moments that are passing by. It's like with my other summer obsession, sup yoga: sometimes I may fall in, but falling is part of learning, and nailing the pose is such an amazing and empowering feeling. If you don't fear the fall, you have an infinitely better chance of succeeding... and you'll never know just how much you are capable of until you try...

Resting in peace... finally

From August 15 -

Last night I grabbed a random sketchbook off the shelf to jot down an idea for a painting. Oddly enough, the very first page was blank, but the rest were filled. I flipped through to see what from my past might fill the other pages. The second half was from the end of 2010, when my life as I knew it disintegrated before my eyes and scattered in broken pieces all around me.

I read through these words I had penned in the midst of suffocating despair and heartbreak... and I REMEMBERED the pain... but for the first time in four years, I didn't RELIVE it. And this realization has brought me such a calming peace and joy today... I know I still have a long way to go (can we say committmentaphobia, anyone?) but I am finally on my way through to the other side.

One of my goals for this year is to lay that past peacefully to rest and move on - whole and healthy. I am so happy to realize that I am well on my way to doing just that! So, here's to new beginnings, second (third, and even fourth) chances, letting go, breathing through the pain and the pieces, and believing in the beauty of another day ahead.

#itsanewdawn #itsanewday #andimfeelinggood #onestepatatime #iwillgetthere #letitgo #breatheitin #breatheitout #onelife #manychapters #carpediem #namaste #thankyou #grateful #happy #readyforwhateversnext #keeponsmiling #keeponmoving #keepongrowning #keeponloving #keeponliving

Margaritas, vino, doggies, and no-pants...

What does one do after drinking 3 margaritas for dinner? Oh, yes, that's right - drive home and drink wine from the bottle while snacking on cheese, pantsless, as the dogs lay on and immobilize your legs… This IS normal, right??

Yeah, right. I'm sure its also normal to be holed up in the room under the stairs while your delinquent teenage cousin rummages through the medicine cabinet in the family room looking for … what? Thyroid medicine? Extra B-Vitamin? Yeah, totally normal. They don't make enough wine and margaritas for this...

It's been a rough day. I can't explicitly put my finger on why, but it's definitely been a common theme of the day that seems to have been felt by everyone I've interacted with. Just one of those days, I guess. One of those days that sets you just slightly akimbo and jades everything you look at with a little bit of bitter unhappiness. No real reason why - things are no worse or better than they were yesterday - but it feels different and everything seems tinged with this frustrating and irritating hue. The home situation feels at a breaking point, the commute seems so much worse than normal, work feels more stressful, tasks are more burdensome and numbersome, the boy feels so distant and pointless, the house seems out of reach, and I have a nagging sense of inadequacy pulling at me from the side.

I know I am not perfect. I'm nowhere close. In fact, I'm a mess. But I'm striving towards a better me. And I know that I have the power within me to manifest the destiny I desire. But days like this make me feel like it might be all a waste of time and perhaps drinking myself into numbness without pants on would be the best option…

Is it just me or is it weird that people I've known for years don't know how to pronounce my last name? Is it weird that I'm content with being an emotional leper and exiling myself behind seemingly insurmountable walls? Is it weird that I can't seem to get my life back together 4 years later? Is it weird that I fluctuate between confidence and despair, sometimes multiple times throughout the day. Is it weird that I believe in my dreams and their power to heal me? And is it weird that I simultaneously doubt my ability to accomplish the things I want to accomplish in my life?

Ugh. I think its time for some water, yoga, and bed… Or maybe just more wine and less clothes? Is it weird that I can't decide which of these options is best? Meh, who cares…

Rereading the past to find peace and move forward

I came across one of the journals/sketchbooks I kept in the year after Mexico. This is just an excerpt of that time, as I had multiple journals and sketchbooks I used concurrently. I've debated publishing these unedited… there are parts and pieces I'd like to gloss over, or edit, or omit. But then I would still be hiding from the past instead of truly dealing with it; I need to be able to look at it openly and honestly and accept it for what it is, even if it hurts or ashames or embarasses me. Publishing these writings unedited will force me to look at the memories and the pain and the rawness of that time and that "me" without filter … and that is something I need to do before I can finally lay the past to rest in peace. So in all it's messiness and pain and rawness, here is a piece of me from 2011.

Mar 2011:
you broke my heart
stole pieces of my soul
usurped my self confidence
and trashed my dreams

you cast me aside like garbage
without a thought
without a care
like i was nothing to you
like i never had been

in all this time
all these months that have passed
i'm sure you've never given me a moment's consideration

why can't i leave you behind so easily?
why can't i shake you from my consciousness?
from my thoughts?
my dreams…

somehow you're still embedded in everything i do and think
why can't i be rid of you?

i hate that i am nothing to you
and you were everything to me
i hate that you can act as if nothing ever changed
but my life will never be the same
i hate that you can be so callous and uncaring
and i carry around all the pain

i am empty
a vacuous hole
what am i doing?
where am i going?
nothing makes sense anymore
you offered me everything
i jumped in with both feet
but you just watched me fall
your arms, which promised to be so secure,
didn't hold me
you slowly took everything from me
and told me it was all my fault

11 April 2011
a weekend of fun and friends… for a few hours, i felt normal again. just another girl, doing normal things, carefree, happy, smiling…
but then this morning i awoke with a surprisingly vibrant anger and frustration bubbling below the surface, ready to boil over at the slightest provocation. this morning i awoke to reality… and there's nothing normal or carefree or happy about it. i am alone again. i wonder if i ever wasn't… the weekend, so fresh, so close, now seems like maybe it was just a dream. i am just as empty as i was before. just as helpless, just as hopeless. those friends who were so near are again gone - vanished like wisps of fog in the wind…
i am once again sad and empty, pitiful and forlorn in the tattered remains of the life i once had and loved with such joyful vigor. but what have i now? i am broken, my hope is gone, my dreams are shattered and scattered across the desolate landscape of my lonely life.
i am moving to seattle - i don't know what i hope to find there. i try to convince myself that things will be different… that somehow the change of location will magically transform my life and situation. but the truth may be much less optimistic…
how did i end up here? will i ever be able to regain some semblance of my former life, my former self? or is it gone forever? if so, who am i now? a helpless vagabond unable to support herself? how did this happen to me?! i used to think i was smart and likable… now i feel like a leper - ostracized, cut off, cast aside. i used to be confident and self-assured. now i am neither… just an empty shell, alone and broken. 
will my heart ever heal? will i ever be able to feel whole again?

27 Apr 2011
The past few weeks have brought a surprising amount of changes to my consciousness… 3 weeks ago, I would not have thought I'd be in the state of mind I am now. So what is it exactly that has changed? My perspectives? My expectations? I'm not sure… but I feel hope sneaking up on me, and it's not a bad feeling.
The monday after beerfest, I awoke to a blanket of depression so thick and deep around me that I was barely able to get out of bed. I had nothing. The last of me felt in the final throes of a long and drawn-out and overdue death. My hope and my old self were rattling their last breaths… and I was bidding them adieu and trying to let go.
Did I succeed? Do I feel unencumbered and hopeful in comparison because the dying rotting parts are gone finally? Or is it having a move date for Seattle? Does that give me a new goal and path to focus on so that I can forget this old and tired one? Or is it simply true what they say about how sex can improve your mood? Because I certainly didn't see that coming and on some levels it surely gave my sorry self-confidence a boost.
I don't know if I can say that I finally feel more like me again - because I don't really know who I am anymore. But I can say I feel lighter and more hopeful… and that, I like. I've known for a while that I'm never going to be the same person again. But maybe now I can finally start to move toward who I'm going to be next.

9 May 2011
Broken dreams, broken heart, broken hopes… broken pieces, debris all around. I'd like to think that someday, somehow I might be able to have the life I've dreamed of, the life I want. But perhaps it is just not attainable for me. Perhaps it is only people with looks and money who can make their dreams come true.
I'm so tired of being depressed, of feeling like this. But how do I get past it? Even if I knew how, the constant pain in my mouth would instantly snap me back to reality… as if all my self-confidence were sucked out of me, and the doubt and fear and self-loathing rushed into the vacuum, making me again painfully aware of how I am not like everyone else. I may be tall and thin, but my body is getting soft with age and my teeth will always cause people to stop and stare. The chances of me landing a public-type job in Washington probably won't be much better than here. No one wants to order food from a girl with nasty teeth… same for receptionist or any position where I'd need to interact with the public. No one's going to want me to be the face of their company.
I've been looking at pictures of me taken recently and from before Brad - I feel like I looked so much happier and prettier before. The recent pictures all seem ugly to me. I'm not sure if there's really a difference or if its just my perception. I guess it doesn't really matter. And wishing won't change anything in reality.
Once upon a time I was a happy, carefree girl. But I've also been depressed and withdrawn and painfully self-conscious before. What's next in store for me? At my best, I was happy to accept my strengths and flaws together - to smile confidently with my horrible crooked smile. At my worst I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to have to see or face anyone.
I have an unexpected hookup with an attractive guy, which should be a confidence booster… but it's just sex and he doesn't kiss me. Why? Is my mouth repulsive? Do I attract guys because they'll think I'll be an easy target? Am I? Nice body, but ugly enough to be insecure enough to let them sweet talk me and get what they want from me? Is that what Brad did? Does it even matter? Am I being ridiculous? I don't know… Sex is sex, right? Do I care if I was being used? Does it matter now? Chances are I won't ever be able to make the money to be able to support myself doing what I like, because I'm not pretty enough. So, where do I go from here? that was stupid, i know, god, i'm so tired of feeling like this.

May 2011
there is no sure thing
only change

even the best of friends
may fade into the background

[sketches of flowers, stars]

the landscape of my life
is empty and barren
crickets sound in the distant darkness
wind sweeps across the silence
blowing broken pieces
of my shattered life
darkness shrowds the scene
in loneliness
and melancholy
i am alone 
and acutely aware of it
my broken heart and ravaged soul
yearn for a confidant
but friends are few and far between
and come and go so quickly
so i keep to myself
withdraw farther
crawl deeper into the darkness
in my head
and die a little bit more


31 May 2011
the days are grey
no sun in my sky
the sound of loneliness echos in my heart
wind sweeps across the barren emptiness of my soul

where am i going?
i don't know…
just trying to get away
from the pain
from myself
from the emptiness

but there's no certainty on my horizon
nothing to cling to as "sure"
i am alone
and lost in the unknown of my life

29 Jun 2011
It's [a friend's] birthday today. Facebook reminded me, so I sent him a birthday hello. I feel so far removed from the life where I knew him well. It's like a dream to think back on it… did it ever really happen? Or did I just make it up? That girl seems so far from me now… was I ever really her? It's so hard to imagine. Because now I'm trying to accept and make peace with this current reality. I live in a far away, gray, chilly place. I have very few friends, and no one is interested in me romantically. Why would they be? I have nothing to offer but sorrow, loneliness, and pity. I'm not pretty, and I can't imagine I ever was. Was I? How could I have been? That imaginary girl had such an imagination! No, no, that was never me. I am Shannon, here and now, same as I've always been. Dull, plain, only mildly interesting, forgettable. Fun for a while, perhaps, until the novelty wears off and all that's left is the tediousness of dealing with me. So I shall be a lonely old woman… but I think I'm okay with that. I wish only to be able to support myself. That's all that really matters. Alone, I don't have to worry about my ugliness or dullness. I can just hang out with my dogs who don't care what I look like or how tedious I am. I can paint and write and read and create and enjoy the sun when it comes out. I think I am happier alone. The happiness I get from being accepted with others is only fleeting… and when gone, it is so painful. So I shall be alone. It's better that way.

13 July 2011
Oh my god, I feel like I'm drowning! Like I'm treading and swimming and trying so hard to keep my head above water, but I've been trying so hard for so long and I'm exhausted and I don't think I'm any closer to shore or shallow water or even any floating debris to help me rest and catch my breath. I see no end in sight, and can barely even imagine that one might exist any more. I feel like a failure. I feel doomed. And damned. Alone and forlorn. I am not my own. Everywhere, all the time, in every situation of my life these days, someone else owns me. I'm an indentured servant, working towards… what? I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to crawl out of this hole! And what if I did? What if I was able to pay off my credit card debt and pay John back … then  what? I'm not making enough money here to be able to pay rent anywhere.
Today is a shitty day. I don't know why I'm so negative and blue right now… I should be feeling so much more positive right? I finally got a job, and they haven't fired me yet. And even if they plan to fire me or will fire me, I can't worry about that right now… 'cause right now I still have a job. I have a place to stay, and he hasn't kicked us out yet.
How do I turn off my brain and all of its unending worries? It's going to drive me insane.
I'm so sad and lonely and scared. What will become of me? Do I have it in me to be everyone's yes-man and worker bee? Can I figure out how to swallow my pride and suck it up and let go of my independence? Without losing "me" or feeling totally buried, burdened and defeated?

22 Aug 2011
What I've learned during my hear of homelessness, part 1.
*feeling as if I've no place to call "home" - no place that's truly 'mine' - is soul-crushing and dream-smothering… and presents a bit of identity crisis
*people's understanding of the situation is generally nonexistent, their pity only slightly more… but all forms of such seem to have very short life spans
*the people i expected to help me out, rarely did. or if they did, it wasn't for very long, nor was it very reliable
*help, when it came, has often been from unexpected or unlooked for places and people… but even then, it seems the clock was always ticking
*my enduring sad situation seems to be wearisome and burdensome to those around me… my friends seem to have scattered like dead leaves in the gusty autumn winds….
*no matter how bad things seem, it can always get worse
*my dogs have served both as my saviors and best friends, as well as isolated me from family and friends
*I am more cautious, more reserved. I don't smile as much, I don't laugh as much, I don't trust as much…
*I feel as if I've aged exponentially in the last year
*Life, time, and most people will not stop for me, my problems, or my pain
*sometimes, I've just wanted a hug - someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be all right… but I've rarely rarely had it
*nothing is for ever, but time is relative, and some moments feel like an eternity.

I want to feel happy again. Happy and safe and at peace.