Mar 2011:
you broke my heart
stole pieces of my soul
usurped my self confidence
and trashed my dreams
you cast me aside like garbage
without a thought
without a care
like i was nothing to you
like i never had been
in all this time
all these months that have passed
i'm sure you've never given me a moment's consideration
why can't i leave you behind so easily?
why can't i shake you from my consciousness?
from my thoughts?
my dreams…
somehow you're still embedded in everything i do and think
why can't i be rid of you?
i hate that i am nothing to you
and you were everything to me
i hate that you can act as if nothing ever changed
but my life will never be the same
i hate that you can be so callous and uncaring
and i carry around all the pain
i am empty
a vacuous hole
what am i doing?
where am i going?
nothing makes sense anymore
you offered me everything
i jumped in with both feet
but you just watched me fall
your arms, which promised to be so secure,
didn't hold me
you slowly took everything from me
and told me it was all my fault
11 April 2011
a weekend of fun and friends… for a few hours, i felt normal again. just another girl, doing normal things, carefree, happy, smiling…
but then this morning i awoke with a surprisingly vibrant anger and frustration bubbling below the surface, ready to boil over at the slightest provocation. this morning i awoke to reality… and there's nothing normal or carefree or happy about it. i am alone again. i wonder if i ever wasn't… the weekend, so fresh, so close, now seems like maybe it was just a dream. i am just as empty as i was before. just as helpless, just as hopeless. those friends who were so near are again gone - vanished like wisps of fog in the wind…
i am once again sad and empty, pitiful and forlorn in the tattered remains of the life i once had and loved with such joyful vigor. but what have i now? i am broken, my hope is gone, my dreams are shattered and scattered across the desolate landscape of my lonely life.
i am moving to seattle - i don't know what i hope to find there. i try to convince myself that things will be different… that somehow the change of location will magically transform my life and situation. but the truth may be much less optimistic…
how did i end up here? will i ever be able to regain some semblance of my former life, my former self? or is it gone forever? if so, who am i now? a helpless vagabond unable to support herself? how did this happen to me?! i used to think i was smart and likable… now i feel like a leper - ostracized, cut off, cast aside. i used to be confident and self-assured. now i am neither… just an empty shell, alone and broken.
will my heart ever heal? will i ever be able to feel whole again?
27 Apr 2011
The past few weeks have brought a surprising amount of changes to my consciousness… 3 weeks ago, I would not have thought I'd be in the state of mind I am now. So what is it exactly that has changed? My perspectives? My expectations? I'm not sure… but I feel hope sneaking up on me, and it's not a bad feeling.
The monday after beerfest, I awoke to a blanket of depression so thick and deep around me that I was barely able to get out of bed. I had nothing. The last of me felt in the final throes of a long and drawn-out and overdue death. My hope and my old self were rattling their last breaths… and I was bidding them adieu and trying to let go.
Did I succeed? Do I feel unencumbered and hopeful in comparison because the dying rotting parts are gone finally? Or is it having a move date for Seattle? Does that give me a new goal and path to focus on so that I can forget this old and tired one? Or is it simply true what they say about how sex can improve your mood? Because I certainly didn't see that coming and on some levels it surely gave my sorry self-confidence a boost.
I don't know if I can say that I finally feel more like me again - because I don't really know who I am anymore. But I can say I feel lighter and more hopeful… and that, I like. I've known for a while that I'm never going to be the same person again. But maybe now I can finally start to move toward who I'm going to be next.
9 May 2011
Broken dreams, broken heart, broken hopes… broken pieces, debris all around. I'd like to think that someday, somehow I might be able to have the life I've dreamed of, the life I want. But perhaps it is just not attainable for me. Perhaps it is only people with looks and money who can make their dreams come true.
I'm so tired of being depressed, of feeling like this. But how do I get past it? Even if I knew how, the constant pain in my mouth would instantly snap me back to reality… as if all my self-confidence were sucked out of me, and the doubt and fear and self-loathing rushed into the vacuum, making me again painfully aware of how I am not like everyone else. I may be tall and thin, but my body is getting soft with age and my teeth will always cause people to stop and stare. The chances of me landing a public-type job in Washington probably won't be much better than here. No one wants to order food from a girl with nasty teeth… same for receptionist or any position where I'd need to interact with the public. No one's going to want me to be the face of their company.
I've been looking at pictures of me taken recently and from before Brad - I feel like I looked so much happier and prettier before. The recent pictures all seem ugly to me. I'm not sure if there's really a difference or if its just my perception. I guess it doesn't really matter. And wishing won't change anything in reality.
Once upon a time I was a happy, carefree girl. But I've also been depressed and withdrawn and painfully self-conscious before. What's next in store for me? At my best, I was happy to accept my strengths and flaws together - to smile confidently with my horrible crooked smile. At my worst I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to have to see or face anyone.
I have an unexpected hookup with an attractive guy, which should be a confidence booster… but it's just sex and he doesn't kiss me. Why? Is my mouth repulsive? Do I attract guys because they'll think I'll be an easy target? Am I? Nice body, but ugly enough to be insecure enough to let them sweet talk me and get what they want from me? Is that what Brad did? Does it even matter? Am I being ridiculous? I don't know… Sex is sex, right? Do I care if I was being used? Does it matter now?
May 2011
there is no sure thing
only change
even the best of friends
may fade into the background
[sketches of flowers, stars]
the landscape of my life
is empty and barren
crickets sound in the distant darkness
wind sweeps across the silence
blowing broken pieces
of my shattered life
darkness shrowds the scene
in loneliness
and melancholy
i am alone
and acutely aware of it
my broken heart and ravaged soul
yearn for a confidant
but friends are few and far between
and come and go so quickly
so i keep to myself
withdraw farther
crawl deeper into the darkness
in my head
and die a little bit more
31 May 2011
the days are grey
no sun in my sky
the sound of loneliness echos in my heart
wind sweeps across the barren emptiness of my soul
where am i going?
i don't know…
just trying to get away
from the pain
from myself
from the emptiness
but there's no certainty on my horizon
nothing to cling to as "sure"
i am alone
and lost in the unknown of my life
29 Jun 2011
It's [a friend's] birthday today. Facebook reminded me, so I sent him a birthday hello. I feel so far removed from the life where I knew him well. It's like a dream to think back on it… did it ever really happen? Or did I just make it up? That girl seems so far from me now… was I ever really her? It's so hard to imagine. Because now I'm trying to accept and make peace with this current reality. I live in a far away, gray, chilly place. I have very few friends, and no one is interested in me romantically. Why would they be? I have nothing to offer but sorrow, loneliness, and pity. I'm not pretty, and I can't imagine I ever was. Was I? How could I have been? That imaginary girl had such an imagination! No, no, that was never me. I am Shannon, here and now, same as I've always been. Dull, plain, only mildly interesting, forgettable. Fun for a while, perhaps, until the novelty wears off and all that's left is the tediousness of dealing with me. So I shall be a lonely old woman… but I think I'm okay with that. I wish only to be able to support myself. That's all that really matters. Alone, I don't have to worry about my ugliness or dullness. I can just hang out with my dogs who don't care what I look like or how tedious I am. I can paint and write and read and create and enjoy the sun when it comes out. I think I am happier alone. The happiness I get from being accepted with others is only fleeting… and when gone, it is so painful. So I shall be alone. It's better that way.
13 July 2011
Oh my god, I feel like I'm drowning! Like I'm treading and swimming and trying so hard to keep my head above water, but I've been trying so hard for so long and I'm exhausted and I don't think I'm any closer to shore or shallow water or even any floating debris to help me rest and catch my breath. I see no end in sight, and can barely even imagine that one might exist any more. I feel like a failure. I feel doomed. And damned. Alone and forlorn. I am not my own. Everywhere, all the time, in every situation of my life these days, someone else owns me. I'm an indentured servant, working towards… what? I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to crawl out of this hole! And what if I did? What if I was able to pay off my credit card debt and pay John back … then what? I'm not making enough money here to be able to pay rent anywhere.
Today is a shitty day. I don't know why I'm so negative and blue right now… I should be feeling so much more positive right? I finally got a job, and they haven't fired me yet. And even if they plan to fire me or will fire me, I can't worry about that right now… 'cause right now I still have a job. I have a place to stay, and he hasn't kicked us out yet.
How do I turn off my brain and all of its unending worries? It's going to drive me insane.
I'm so sad and lonely and scared. What will become of me? Do I have it in me to be everyone's yes-man and worker bee? Can I figure out how to swallow my pride and suck it up and let go of my independence? Without losing "me" or feeling totally buried, burdened and defeated?
22 Aug 2011
What I've learned during my hear of homelessness, part 1.
*feeling as if I've no place to call "home" - no place that's truly 'mine' - is soul-crushing and dream-smothering… and presents a bit of identity crisis
*people's understanding of the situation is generally nonexistent, their pity only slightly more… but all forms of such seem to have very short life spans
*the people i expected to help me out, rarely did. or if they did, it wasn't for very long, nor was it very reliable
*help, when it came, has often been from unexpected or unlooked for places and people… but even then, it seems the clock was always ticking
*my enduring sad situation seems to be wearisome and burdensome to those around me… my friends seem to have scattered like dead leaves in the gusty autumn winds….
*no matter how bad things seem, it can always get worse
*my dogs have served both as my saviors and best friends, as well as isolated me from family and friends
*I am more cautious, more reserved. I don't smile as much, I don't laugh as much, I don't trust as much…
*I feel as if I've aged exponentially in the last year
*Life, time, and most people will not stop for me, my problems, or my pain
*sometimes, I've just wanted a hug - someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be all right… but I've rarely rarely had it
*nothing is for ever, but time is relative, and some moments feel like an eternity.
I want to feel happy again. Happy and safe and at peace.
