Transitions, Transformations, Closure, and Moving On

I had another crazy dream last night. Actually, I had many, but I can only remember a single scene from one dream… the others have floated and flitted away with the dawning light. In the scene I can recall, I was standing outside with two people. I don't remember now who they were. While we were talking, a dark, featureless woman walked onto the scene from behind me. I did not look to see her and could only sense that she was female, but in my mind I saw her silhouette. It was boxy and 1-dimensional and solid black, like a cartoon bad guy. As she began moving towards us, a gradiating darkness began to wash over us, like a scene from the Powerpuff Girls. As the darkness advanced, moving from my feet up toward my head as I layed on my side in bed, my body began to become frigidly cold in sections corresponding to the advancing darkness. I was becoming consumed with fear and foreboding as the icy chill moved up my body toward my head. My breath caught in my chest as the darkness and cold moved to swallow me. As the dark and iciness reached my neck, I made a concerted effort in my dream to wake up! I still am unaware if this wake up was real, or just another part of the dream, but instantly the darkness and the scene disappeared and my body felt warm and normal again.

I've had a number of small instances in the past few days of having my broken past in Mexico brought up in numerous conversations and situations. On an individual basis, these instances probably wouldn't seem like a big deal, but together they are instilling in me a sense of something happening below the surface of my consciousness. While driving to work yesterday, I was thinking about a conversation with an old friend on Saturday about my ex and that whole time period. My first inclination as the memories surfaced was to push them away - why would I want to think about all that crap?! But then I began to wonder, why am I still so averse to thinking about that time in my life? Am I scared? Why is my impulse to push the thought away and run in the other direction? This can't be a healthy response…. And so it occurred to me that maybe the time has come to sit with my past and face it honestly and patiently. Maybe, with the perspective and healing of time, I can look into the scars and face the pain and emotions and hurt and anger. Maybe I am finally strong enough to come to terms with that painful, dark, tragic time of my life; to find some closure, to deal with the buried skeletons and clean them and wrap them up to put them away neatly on the shelves of my past rather than keeping them hidden in the dark recesses of my being…

Tears are streaming unbidden down my face as I type this. I know that until I can lay that chapter of my life to rest in peace, I will never be free to move on to the next chapter. It has been a long, dark, and difficult road. I am closer now to being back to myself than I have been in four years, but I'm not there yet. And I can't get there until I cut loose the chains that are holding me down to those long-dead skeletons and ghosts. Until I can mend the brokenness and clean the dark corners and bring it all into the light. To look at it full on in the face, to no longer cower in fear of it. I am scared of this endeavor, but that makes me even more sure that the time is now… I have to face my fears of these buried darknesses before I can make any real change in my life, before I can move on, move out, and move forward. I have opened doors and windows in the past few years, and light is streaming in and I can see and interact with the outside world again, but I am still trapped inside that house. I am still shackled to that chapter, which should have been wrapped up and concluded years ago. It's not going to be pretty. It's going to be painful and pitiful. But for the first time, I think I might be strong enough to do it… I have to be… I will be… I need to be

When in doubt, just take the next small step.