Running down a dream

I am tied up in a small boat with Jimmy, floating within sight of shore. I am looking at myself as if I were another person, but there is only me and Jimmy in the boat. It is clear and sunny out. The water is still and dark – I cannot see the bottom. Cecilia – looking different than she did in real life, with darker skin and frizzy hair and more weight – is watching nearby. It seems that she is the one who has tied us in the boat. It feels implied that we must make a decision to save ourselves at the sacrifice of the other, or both drown together. I am afraid of her and feel intense anxiety to escape and get away. 

There are ropes binding our feet and hands to the boat. The ropes are thin, white, and tied in a bow rather than a knot. They are not tight enough to be causing pain, but I am intensely aware of deep anxiety and the need to run from Cecilia and escape. Jimmy defies Cecilia’s implied ultimatum and runs the boat ashore. The boat is severely damaged, but we are able to get free and I am no longer looking at myself from outside but am inhabiting my body in the first person. 

I begin running toward a house ahead of us. The house is full of people inside and out, it is a party. There is grass and small wooden stairs to the left, leading into the back yard. A driveway and garage are straight ahead. There are some people I recognize and some I don’t. The house belongs to my aunt and uncle. 

I run to the left and up the stairs, around to the back of the house. I am looking for a place to hide to escape Cecilia. I want to find a place to hide my purse so that I can retrieve it quickly and get away if need be. I finally hide it in the wooden stairs. I am full of anxiety and fear, but no one pays much attention. 

I run inside, past a kitchen and living room area filled with partygoers, and find a long, thin table against a wall in an empty hallway near the garage. It has a tablecloth reaching almost to the floor. I run and slide under it, trying to cover myself. Cecilia must be close behind. My hiding place is not secure, so I run into the garage through the door nearby. 

There is another table in the garage, a plastic one, that has some of my boxes – filled with my things – under it. There are also some cobwebs and insect carcasses. I pause for a moment, but my immediate fear of Cecilia outweighs my fear of spiders and webs. I duck under the table and move the boxes in front of me. I feel safe and think that I can wait it out under here until I have a clear path of escape. Suddenly from the left someone moves the box in front of me, not realizing I am there. In the same instant, Cecilia enters through another door into the garage and immediately sees me as the box is moved away. I run. 

In the driveway, my uncle is there, talking with partygoers. I ask for his keys. “Can I take your car? Please!” He says Sharon and Jimmy already have the keys. They are getting the Jeep and will pick me up. I am almost free! But I need to retrieve my purse. I ask my uncle to come with me to help me feel safe. He does not want to. 

I walk over to another group of people and ask the cute boy that I have a crush on (although he does not look familiar to me in waking life). He agrees to walk with me to find my purse. I have forgotten where I put it. We go toward the stairs to go to the back yard. He sees it in the stairs and hands it to me. I say thank you and we reach out to hold hands. I apologize for having to leave. He looks at me with love and understanding. We stand for a moment holding hands and looking at each other, saying a lifetime’s worth of things with our eyes in such a short amount of time. I turn and run down the street (the lake is no longer there). 

The street is long and has a country feel. The neighborhood is green with lots of trees and grass going straight to the road. I am looking for the Jeep, but I cannot find it. I keep running, thinking that I will see them at any moment. I run for blocks. Finally, I start to feel like I may be far enough away to stop running. I still can’t find the Jeep. I think maybe they aren’t coming for me. 

I see a few people near a mailbox on the street. A girl is sitting down in the grass. I ask if I can sit with her a moment. I want to try to blend in, so it is harder to notice me. I learn that she and the growing group of others (mostly girls) are waiting for the bus. They are going to Tennessee. There is some festival or concert or something. It is a warm, sunny afternoon and the bushy green grass feels safe and warm. I do not know this girl, but she is cute and friendly and I trust her. I ask to borrow money for the bus fare. We wait for the bus and I feel like I am almost free. My anxiety is leaving. I will take the bus and get far away so that no one can track me. Then I will call my family to let them know I am ok. I have my phone and my wallet. I will be ok.

Then I wake up.

I awoke with the most intense feelings of anxiety - I truly felt like I was being chased by Cecilia, my dear dead friend and mentor. But I knew immediately that this dream meant something, and I needed to figure out what it was. I rarely remember my dreams. When I wake up with a dream recollection, it seems like a sacred, important thing. And this one was loaded with strange imagery and emotions. I sensed Cecilia reaching out from beyond to slap me across the face and force me to face something in my waking life that I have been avoiding and/or running from. But what?

For the year and a half before Cecilia died, I did not see her or speak to her. I was afraid of her. She spoke such harsh truth to me, but my broken spirit wasn't strong enough or ready to handle it. I ran far away from her and my problems… thousands of miles away. I thought of her often. I knew that she had only the best intentions for me. I knew without a doubt that she loved me and wanted to help me. But she was so intense and frightening and raw… And I was so wounded and broken and pitiful. Her strength frightened me. Her truth hurt me. Her love confused me. And so I kept myself boxed up and away from her prying spirit. 

I never thought she would disappear. I always thought she would be there, keeping a space for me in her safe haven on Espinoza Street. I still have the keys to that little house. That soul-soothing sanctuary that always felt like home and safety and peacefulness. But she did disappear. And my sanctuary did too. The little house at the back of the lot that I had spent so many hours painting in bright colors and designs was no longer a home for me. 

When I learned of her death, I realized how stupid I had been to hold on to such fear of my friend. She was now gone from this life forever, and all my fear had given me was regrets and lost opportunities. How disappointed she must have been in me. How foolish I had been to hide from her.

And now, another year and a half later, I dream that she is chasing me, and I continue to run and hide from her. However, I am aware now, being awake, that she probably wasn't chasing me at all. I felt like she was, but was she really? She never said anything to me. She didn't actually do anything to me. No one else paid any mind to my being "chased"… was it all in my head? (Both in my dream, and in real life!?) Was my fear and anxiety just a figment of my imagination, without cause or reason in reality? Along these lines, my dream would seem to be telling me the following: 

I have gotten myself into some sticky situations, but have blown them way out of proportion in my own mind AND projected the cause(s) onto someone else. I have made myself into the victim, but has there even been a crime? I am running and hiding and getting into unnecessary stressors… for what? What am I really running from? Why am I hiding from the person who always wanted to help me? Who always spoke truth to my soul and always encouraged me to be a better me. And why do I write off my family and friends so quickly? What do I think I will find or accomplish by leaving everything behind and running to a new place? If my fears and anxieties are really coming from inside me, I could run through the entire world and still not be free. So what do I do? What is it that I am afraid to face? Clearly it's not Cecilia anymore, she is dead. But she represents a strong, powerful, spiritual force and I know that she is trying to help me now. Am I strong enough and brave enough yet to heed her admonitions and face my internal fears? She has come back from the dead to speak to me, but I still haven't taken any action. My cognizance of the situation has very much diminished my fear and desire to run, but I have yet to make any forward progress. I still don't want to look inside with her truthy eyes and face what I may find there. 

But I know I must. (Or her ghost will continue to haunt me!) Because all the symbols in that dream point to me sabotaging and restricting myself in just about every way possible - emotionally, consciously, subconsciously, spiritually, professionally, mentally, socially, psychologically, and even physically. I have walled myself off so effectively, its almost as if time has stopped. I am stagnant, isolated, closed off… the most disturbing part of this dream seems to be the amount of relationships I abandoned to continue my running and hiding. I left old friends, family, and a promising new love to remain in my fear. Chances are good I have done this in waking life also, and that is a sad thought. Fear has only given me regrets and lost opportunities. People, even in brief superfluous encounters, have given me hope, happiness, and fulfillment. Seriously, what am I waiting for??? I have realized that I want to stop running, but now it is time to turn around and face my fears. All I have to lose is loss and regret, right? But I have everything to gain. 

Sunset on the bay, Marina Del Rey, 2013