Or, as it is more commonly phrased now that I am grown up, "What do you want to do?"
It's a good question, and it is undeniably important when searching for stable, long-term employment. The problem is, I don't know how to answer this question. I don't even know where to begin, and I even get a little anxious just thinking about it. Why? Its not like I don't have passions and dreams and marketable skills...
I've been thinking of this a lot recently, as it has become a very common question during my job search - one that always stopped me in my tracks and left me flustered and anxious and slightly insecure. However disturbing the question may have been, the answer to why I can't answer it... well that seems to be even more disturbing:
I've spent my entire life trying to please everyone else; trying to figure out what they wanted me to be and then attempting to fit myself into that mold. Its not necessarily conscious, but I've spent so long living for other people that I don't even know what I want anymore. And even worse, I can't seem to remember a time when I DID know what I wanted, at least not with any specificity. The only inkling I have is that it must have been something that those I was trying to please did not want or approve of, otherwise I would have held on to it; it would not be lost and forgotten to me now.
So what do I do? As a middle-aged woman with no solid job history, no reliable income, and no inherent direction, where do I go from here? The stress of all this overwhelming self-doubt is suffocating, and my biggest fear is of sabotaging myself before I even begin. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I convince a potential employer to believe in me if I can't even seem to believe in myself? I need help on so many levels, it's mind boggling.
So how do I move through this? How do I let go of the bullshit and reclaim my desires and wants?
Step one: Figure out what I want to do
Step two: Believe in myself
Step three: Sell it, Do it, Live it
Step every: Breathe. Don't freak out. Breathe. Breathe. Cry if you must, but keep breathing. Take one step at a time. Breathe. Scream "Oh. My. God." in abject frustration, but please keep breathing... Breathe. Feel your heart beat. Breathe. Love yourself. If you don't, why will anyone else? Breathe. Who cares that you have ugly teeth and a crooked face? Breathe. Who cares if you're awkward and not pretty enough? Fuck 'em, and just breathe. You're not perfect; who is? Breathe. Keep breathing. Create your own positive energy. Fucking believe in yourself. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Let go of your fear, it serves you no benefit. Just breathe. Open your eyes. Reach out your hand. Take chances. So what if you fail? Failure is what?... not trying. Fucking try. Try your damnedest. You've failed before. Miserably. It sucks. So what? It didn't kill you. Fucking try again. Breathe breathe breathe BREATHE! You are the master of your own goddamn destiny, so fucking take the wheel, take charge, take control. Breathe. Hand on heart. Feel the energy flowing in and out of you. Breathe. Manifest your energy for good. For positivity. For happiness. For fulfillment. Breathe. Know your worth. Seriously, know your worth. Stop letting others devalue you. And stop devaluing yourself because you're so used to letting others do it to you. Breathe. And let it all go. All the baggage, all the bullshit, all the fear and anxiety and expectations and comparisons. Let it all go. Breathe in love. Breathe out fear. Breathe in acceptance. Breathe out comparisons. Breathe in hope. Breathe out anxiety and defeat. Breathe in positivity. Breathe out self deprecation. Breathe in calm. Breathe out stress. Breathe in quiet. Breathe out the voices in your head telling you that you don't measure up. Breathe in peace. Breathe out doubt. Breathe. Hand over heart, breathe. You're good enough. You're smart enough. And doggone it, people like you. What do you have to lose? Really, what? You've got hardly anything left. Just breathe. Breathe and breathe some more. And when you are ready, take a step. But don't take too long, because the world won't stand still and wait for you. Just breathe, and take one step at a time. Hand over heart, breathing, breathing, breathing...
