or wrong side
No misery in not being loved,
only in not loving."
"With an open heart, we find magic everywhere"
"Nothing in the world is permanent, and we're foolish when we ask anything to last. But surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it."
The last few months have been a whirlwind! I could never have imagined I'd be in the headspace I am in today - happily in love, content in the magical moments flowing past me in a constant stream, and facing unafraid both the promising possibilities of the future and the seemingly immortal ghosts of the past. Life is GOOD, and I am so fortunate, so thankful, so grateful for ALL that is happening in and around me. This summer brought about so much transformation in such a short time... it's dizzying to think about it! I have a new home, new friends, new love, new passions, new perspectives, new opportunities... There is magic all around me, in every moment. By facing my fears and pushing through them to take chances on life and love, I have discovered amazing new worlds that are ripe with possibilities. This is the life I've always wanted... Don't get me wrong, it's not perfect, and there is so much more to learn, to grow, to experience, to fight, to love, to see, to hear, to feel... but I am happy, and that is no small thing. And not only am I happy, but I feel free and unfettered - I am no longer chained by my doubts and fears and insecurities. Sure, they are still there, and sometimes they pop up their ugly heads and give me a chill, but they do not have the wheel, nor are they navigating from the passenger seat. My heart is driving, with my soul co-piloting beside.
A few months ago, a friend posted a picture of tattoos - one arm had a brain in an ornate frame, with a scroll reading "Order" below it; the other arm had a heart in a similar frame, with a scroll reading "Chaos". I looked at these for a while, and realized that I felt exactly the opposite... when I follow my head - my logic and reasoning - things seem to get complicated and crazy and chaotic. But when I follow my heart - my gut, my intuition, my soul - things seem to flow smoothly, correctly, and just as they should be. I've spent much of my life trying to do the "right" thing - the logical, the reasonable, the prudent thing - but have often found myself in a mess of a situation that I don't want to be in... whether it be a job, a place, a living situation, or a relationship. Following the logical, reasonable, socially acceptable path doesn't seem to often work out for me. Rather, when I follow my heart, be it crazy chances, spontaneous decisions, or just pure unreasonable desires for magic - things seem to unfold as they should... everything works out in one way or another and I sit content at the other end, smiling and happy. This entire year is a perfect example: every step along the way has been criticized by the "logical" people in my life as being rash and unreasonable. I have not played it safe, but I have found everything I wanted by running head first into the void.
Most poignant in my mind is my new, blossoming, exciting love - every logical thing in me says its a bad idea... I'm not ready, I'm still broken, he's still broken, the possible complications are high, and many people would not approve. And yet we are both happier, more content, and more fulfilled than we can remember being in a long time. Our moments are magical, and I have a difficult time wiping the goofy grin off my face throughout the day. Is it smart? Should we wait for better timing? or better circumstances? Should we take more time to deal with our past entanglements? Should we just fight the connection and pretend like it doesn't exist or matter? Ugh, just thinking these things makes me sad... Life is too short to not do what makes you happy. It could all fall apart tomorrow, sure, but in the meantime, I am opening my heart and my life to the possibilities. And maybe instead of falling apart, it will be even more magical and amazing than I can even imagine right now... maybe instead of causing problems and complications, it will open new doors and opportunities. Maybe instead of imploding in a fiery blaze of regret, it will grow bigger and shinier and more amazing as time goes on. Maybe facing the fears and doing it anyway will turn out to be the best decision I could have made...
And even if its not, I am still so grateful and thankful and fortunate for the time that has already passed. I have learned beyond a doubt that I am still capable of love and honesty and openness and happiness with another soul. I know that I am strong enough to accomplish anything I need to or want to accomplish. I know that everything changes with time, and I have no way to control which direction those winds of change will blow... but I have peace in knowing that I am living honestly and openly in the present and consciously soaking up the magic in the moments that are passing by. It's like with my other summer obsession, sup yoga: sometimes I may fall in, but falling is part of learning, and nailing the pose is such an amazing and empowering feeling. If you don't fear the fall, you have an infinitely better chance of succeeding... and you'll never know just how much you are capable of until you try...
