I really like you, and I want us to work... but I don't want anything to do with her drama. You are clearly not over her or that relationship. I don't know what it is you're holding on to, because you always talk about it like it was such a black hole of time and energy, and you're so glad to be done with it. And yet, there she is, still involved in your everyday.
I want to be there for you and I want to support you in any way I can... but I don't want to put myself in the middle of this situation. And I don't want to create a scenario where her and I are pulling opposite sides of you like a wishbone. You need to deal with this by yourself. You need to make a decision and be ok with it because it's what YOU want. Just like after talking with you about this, I made a decision to step back and give you some space to figure out what you want and what you need to do to make it happen. It makes me sad, and I know that I may lose you... but I don't want to cling and grab and try to hold something that isn't there. I hope that I don't lose you or the magic that we have together, but I realize that I may. And that's ok, because that's life, and sometimes things fall apart. And it sucks because it hurts, but I'll let the waves of pain wash over me when they come - I'll feel them and shed my tears, and then float through to the other side where life goes on and there is more living and loving and learning for me to do. But I have peace and comfort in knowing that I followed my heart and I took a chance on life and love, and I went all in with you and realized that I can still love and be loved, and to heights and depths that I never even imagined possible.
I love you. I love you for loving me so purely and openly. I love you for cultivating between us an environment of comfort and freedom to be unapologetically me. I love you for your tender kisses, loving caresses, and adoring (hexing) gaze. I love you for your effortless ability to make me laugh. I love you for wanting to hold me all night and for peeking through squinted eyes to give me a smile in the morning. I love you for never judging me if I smoke or drink too much. I love you for your thoughtfulness in the little things - making me coffee in the morning, leaving me your parking spot, taking care of Space Ghost...
Love with you is simple and beautiful and magical and effortless - it's everything I could have ever hoped for, and perfect despite our own individual imperfections. Being with you is easy - sacred simplicity... Talking with you and baring my soul is soothing, comforting, and relieving. I've never felt so fearless being so honest with anyone, ever. We have something special. Regardless of what the future holds for us, this type of connection doesn't happen everyday. I am so sad that I might lose you, but so happy and at peace knowing that I took the opportunities to be with you and know you and love you when they were there. And because of that, I have no regrets. And I also have no fear of the pain. If it comes, I'll ride it out. I'll cry and feel it all. And then I'll wipe my tears, wish you the best, and take a new step and do my best to greet it all with a smile and a heart full of hope and gratitude and love.
It's a strange sensation to stare into the abyss of what might be and feel so peaceful and fearless... I can see nothing, and I've no idea what may happen next, but it's ok and I'm not anxious. I will be ok, and whatever happens will be new and exciting. I am not scared... and that's a HUGE deal, coming from me. And I'm so grateful for your part in helping me to face my fears and finally, suddenly, just let them go. How amazing it feels to be free of those chains that I had wrapped around myself for so long... And in the end now I see so clearly that I was the only one holding myself back all these years. It's been a long, slow road, but you unwittingly played a part in me coming out of that darkness. My spirit recognized in you a freedom and fearlessness that I wanted for myself. And your faith in me and encouragement and friendship and sincerity helped rouse those things within me. With the support of you (and numerous other friends), I found my strength and my courage again. And the more I opened up to the possibilities of the world around me, the more the world opened up to me.
I've gone off on a bit of a tangent here, but the sentiment is that I'm grateful for the time I've had with you - being your lover these past few months has awakened me to parts of myself I didn't know still existed and possibilities I didn't imagine I was still capable of. Loving you has made me feel whole and complete and happy in ways I've never experienced before. And I'm so thankful for that.
I don't know exactly what it is that's holding you back; I hope that you can honestly and unapologetically identify it, face it, and then move past it. But I do know that you have to figure it out on your own. And as much as I may want to help you, I can only support you from afar with love and acceptance, and without judgement or expectations. You are so important to me, and I love you so purely and deeply. I want so much to see you whole and happy and unencumbered - whether it's with me or without me is of little consequence at this point, as long as you are happy and whole and free. I treasure the time we've had, and while I hope for more of that time, I send you with blessings and gratitude into the future, whatever that may be or hold or look like.
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| "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." - Leo Buscaglia |
