I had the house to myself this weekend and commandeered the dining room table for my paintings. It was so amazing! I rarely feel as "me" as when I have space and time to paint. Its like my soul is trapped and caged inside, and without this outlet it cannot breathe properly. I felt whole. And happy. And at peace.
Painting isn't always easy. It can be tedious and frustrating. Sometimes I stare at a blank canvas, totally unsure about where or how to begin. Sometimes I stop in the middle of a project and wrinkle my nose in disdain because something doesn't look the way I want it to. And I struggle with my doubt and my insecurities and myriad other ridiculous silly emotions that serve no worthwhile purpose. But then I inevitably talk myself out of it, and go on, move forward, continue painting. And with the action of moving forward and slowly letting go of the doubts - things start to come together. Beauty manifests itself from my brush, through the paints, onto the canvas. Something new is created from the imaginations of my mind, the outpourings of my soul, and the diligence of my hands. And through this process, I gain new energy for conquering every day life. If I can let go of my trepidations on the canvas and create something beautiful and new, of course I should be able to do the same in real life, overcoming real obstacles and creating real accomplishments?
And so painting becomes for me a microcosm of my whole existence. The determination, commitment, time, doubt, frustration, faith, hope, beauty, joy, satisfaction... it all plays out in small scale what the big scale of life really is. It is also a release, and sometimes an escape... my greatest therapy and my soul's happy place. It was so enheartening to pull everything out, allowing the supplies to breathe in rhythm with my soul - blowing off the dust, shaking up the paints, and laying out the canvases and wood and stone for painting. I spent most of my weekend hunched over that table, painting my soul out into the open. I was tired, and perhaps a bit bleary-eyed, but also energized. I didn't want to stop. What a bummer it was to clean everything up and pack it back away before everyone came home...
But I will focus my newly energized attention on manifesting happiness and contentment, while still striving and working every day for a new job so that I can move into my own space and paint to my heart's content at all hours of the day and night! Though parts of my soul may still be in hibernation, tucked away deep inside, I know that they are still there, and that in itself is a reason for happiness. I may be broken and in transition and incomplete, but I still possess all the elements of my "me"-ness. Cheers to that! I am on a path to where I want to be... I'm not yet there, but as long as I keep moving, I will get there. Keep moving, look upward, one step at a time, sending out good energy for happily ever after and joy in the here and now.
