get a new job,
get my own place,
and live happily ever after.
I think of this often, and have it set as my goal - the thing I am working toward with intention and hope, one step at a time.
But what's on my mind tonight is whether this is really what I want.
In January, it was. But what about now? In some ways, it is - its not a bad goal, and if I want to stay in southern California, it is a very reasonable goal.
But why do I want these things really, and why do I feel that the three are bound together? Could I have one without the others and still consider the year a success? if not, why not?
And I know I've been saying that I want to be in southern California - and more specifically near downtown and/or the beach - but do I really?
Am I just feeling discouraged because of the planned job interview that never happened this week?
Or is my soul now screaming so loudly that I can't help but consciously hear it over the voices of those all around me telling me to work harder, apply more places, save more money, keep my head down, set a good example, do what's expected, do what you have to do, suck it up, be grateful for any job, be thankful for a place to stay, etc, etc, etc.
I've even crafted my speech over the last 2+ years to fit the mold of what people want to or expect to hear... "I'm so fortunate to have this shitty job where I am daily exploited and this tiny piece of floor to sleep on with no space or time to myself because blah blah blah" and "I want to have a good job with good benefits and financial security and blah blah blah".
I hear myself speaking with other people's words to meet other people's expectations as if I am outside of myself, looking in on an empty shell of me. There's no soul, there's no depth, there's no passion...
How can this be the life that I want and am striving for?
But what is the alternative? Packing up my dogs and belongings and following my gypsy soul down god-only-knows what roads to unimagined and unknown destinations for some as-of-yet undreamed of purposes? Is that what I really want? Where would I go? What would I do? How would I survive and support myself? And what if I end up right back here in the same spot again, just with more wrinkles and bruises and scars, and less options and opportunities and optimism...
And seriously, why has it been so hard for me to find a good job? Is my resume formatted unappealingly? Or perhaps am I not nearly as employable and amazing as I think I am? Is the economy just that bad that there's really nothing out there? Is it just bad timing? Do I need to wait for the stars to align for the right time, right place scenario of my dreams? Or have I already waited longer than I should have? Have the stars aligned to try to tell me that this is not where I should be and not what I should be striving for? Is the lack of good job offers (or even interviews) a message from the universe that this is not where I am supposed to be right now?
I would like a good job, and I would love my own place and space. I would like financial stability, and to be able to feel that I can really support myself. But what I really want - no, what I need, to be able to feel like "me" - is to paint, write, create, play music... to see, taste, experience, explore, and learn more about the world all around me... there's a whole big world out there, and I've encountered so little of it. Should I just buy a VW van, pack up, and head out? Or should I stick to my goal - the first one I've had in a long, long time - and try my hand at being a grown up? Do these two options have to be mutually exclusive??
Pity the Magic 8 Ball can't answer the question, "What do I really want?"
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| The mute violin - intact, but not whole yet... |
