the chilly wind coming through the open window
seems to churn up and amplify my loneliness.
i awoke early this morning to feel it setting in,
gnawing at the insides of my abdomen,
tingling in my legs,
and swirling about inside my head.
i tried to talk my self out of it -
to reason with the oncoming waves...
but with every vain attempt at deflection, i felt it settling in,
washing over me,
taking the warmth and color from my blood
with every beat of my racing heart.
it seems entirely reasonable that there are fun and wonderful things going on outside in the world around...
(beyond the chilly gray wall around my immediate vicinity)
inside my head i can see this hypothetical outside
as sunny
and sparkly
and warm
and full of laughter
and hope
and love
and life.
its entirely possible that i could pull myself together,
put on a happy mask with my make up,
do my hair in idealization and positive thinking,
and throw on friendliness and outgoingness with my outfit
to venture out and discover
new people,
new things,
new friends,
new reasons to smile,
and new reasons to forget this loneliness...
but from here in the cold dark corner
with the lonely wind blowing in,
it all seems so daunting
and exhausting.
and what if i do try
but the loneliness doesn't leave me
and i am alone in the midst of a crowd?
the cold grayness over me amplified by the sunny warmth over them...
laughing together, talking together...
and i on the outside looking in,
unable to cross over to the sun for the cold grayness in my blood.
i am a mess of emotion,
brimming with fear
and hurt
and painful memories of the broken past;
the wounds and scars of my traumatic injuries festering in the chill grayness.
i want to be happy.
i want to be healed
and whole
and unafraid.
i want to trust
and reach out with an open heart -
despite the pain that may result -
because the moment is all that matters
and love should be worth the risk.
i know my fear and loneliness is a giant shackles around my neck -
that it serves me no good,
and is killing me slowly,
cutting me off from the flow of life
and love
and communion with others.
but this morning i sit with it intimately...
and maybe this is not a bad thing?
Maybe we should sit together for a while,
my lonely fears and i,
and face each other over coffee,
probing the depths of our intertwined-ness.
because knowledge is power, right?
and knowing your enemy will help you to win the battle?
i don't want to remain subject to these random attacks of loneliness.
i want to reclaim my life and be free from fear.
if i am afraid of losing and being alone -
so much so that i am never able to reach out and connect with others -
haven't i already lost and sealed my fate?
and what, then, is the point of life?
if i have cut myself off from the possibility of love
because i am afraid of losing and feeling pain again,
am i not already as good as dead?
why should i poison the magic of the possibilities of the present moment
with dark fears creeping up from old, half-healed wounds of the past...
today is still young and rife with possibilities...
the sun may yet come out
and melt away some of the lonely chill in my blood.
perhaps after coffee with my fears -
and with the sun shining warmth over us -
we will be able to make peace for a bit.
and i will be able to breathe deeply and calmly,
with a steady, relaxed heart,
and venture out to bask in the sunshiny world outside...
to partake in laughter with a stranger,
and share some magic with the universe,
and paint some rainbow colors in my blood
to replace the grayness.
perhaps.
 |
| "release" by me, 2008 |
